5 Practices for Releasing Regret
Regret happens. What doesn’t have to happen is carrying it around forever.
After my experience with the parent in the parking lot, regret took hold of me. For days, I replayed how hostile and loud I was in my exchange with a parent…right in front of everyone. It was beyond embarrassing and totally unacceptable in my role as the school principal.
As time passed, I realized that releasing regret is a process. It looks different for every person and every situation. But there are practices that help, and you’ll learn something about yourself along the way.
Think of regret like a backpack you picked up on a long hike. Some days it holds a lesson worth keeping. Most days it’s just weight. The goal isn’t to pretend it isn’t there. It’s to unpack it and decide what’s worth carrying.
1. Practice Daily Gratitude
Regret has a way of turning the spotlight on the one thing that went wrong while the rest of your life sits in the dark. Gratitude moves the spotlight. Each day, write down three specific things you’re thankful for: your family, a friend who showed up, a roof overhead, a puppy waiting at the door. Specifics matter. “My wife’s laugh at breakfast” works better than “my family.” You’re not denying the regret. You’re giving it proper proportion.
2. Look for the Bigger Story
It’s hard to see meaning from inside a mistake. But in hindsight, many of us can trace a hard moment to a better road we wouldn’t have found otherwise. Ask yourself: Did this mistake lead me somewhere I didn’t expect? What has it made possible? You may not have the answer yet, and that’s okay. Some meaning only shows up with time. Choosing to trust that your story isn’t finished is a powerful way to loosen regret’s hold.
3. Name the Emotion, Then Choose Your Response
Emotions are a gauge, like the dashboard in your car. They tell you what’s going on, but they aren’t meant to drive. Regret often shows up wearing other clothes: shame, anger, even rage. When it surfaces, pause and name it: “This is regret, and it’s making me angry.” Then ask: Is this feeling helping me right now? If not, take one deliberate step: go for a walk, pray, talk it through with someone you trust, or write it out. Naming a feeling takes away much of its power to run the show.
4. Take the Lesson, Then Act on It
Most regrets carry a lesson if we’re willing to receive it. Write down what this experience taught you, in a sentence or two. Then identify one specific change you’ll make because of it. A pilot reviews a flight after a rough landing, not to relive it but to land better next time. Without that step, the pain was just pain. With it, the pain is put to work.
5. Set Down the “What Ifs”
“What if I had said something different?” is a tempting place to camp. A little reflection is healthy. But hours or days of replaying the tape rarely change the past, and they quietly drain energy from the present. When you catch yourself in a what-if loop, try swapping the question: “What can I do next?” One is stuck in the past. The other moves you forward.
A Word From a Recent Conversation
I recently met with someone whose past regrets had grown into what they described as rage. That’s a sign of how heavy unprocessed regret can become. Left unchecked, our emotions can crowd out our ability to think clearly. Have you ever let your emotions fixate on a person or situation? Be honest: how healthy was that for you?
If regret is weighing on you, you don’t have to work through it alone. A trusted friend, pastor, or counselor can help carry it. And if something is still weighing on you today, ask yourself: What’s one thing I can set down this week?